I’ve found myself in a situation that I said I wouldn’t be in again for a very long time. I’m in a relationship. *smacks forehead* And I have been now for a year. A year, 24 days, 13 hours, 32 minutes… Ok, I don’t know all of that, so a year will suffice.
After my 10 year relationship, marriage, and ultimately a divorce, came to an ugly end, I found myself repeatedly saying to myself, “I will NEVER.” or as my sissy likes to say, “Neva.” This proclamation encompassed many things. “I will never let anyone hurt my feelings again.” “I will never let anyone else make me unhappy”, “I will neva clean up after or wash a man’s underwear and socks.” And the list goes on.
Because of my many “NEVA“‘s… my hand is twitchy. It wants to reach for the door and my mind wants to scream at me “Run, Forest!” There are plenty of times that I find myself wanting to dissect everything that a man says or does, and I don’t even feel like I look for negatives. They just pop up like I’m playing a game of bobbing for apples. And I know I’m hypersensitive. I’ve just become so jaded.
One of my greatest strengths, as well as one of my greatest weaknesses, is I can love. I can love hard. Then I’ll find that I’m irritated with myself for being able to give that fully and completely. Like I shouldn’t give that much of myself and I should hold some of it back. Then I brace myself against possible hurts, and I let my heart stay calloused.
I find fault in my boyfriend’s actions and words. Sure, there is plenty that he says and does that I’ve felt I’m within my rights of being irritated or pissed off, because after all he is a man, but on the other hand I want to condemn him and be harsh and cruel because of things that have been done to me in the past. I ask myself if he’s going to change enough that I’m totally happy. No. He won’t. I know the answer. And it’s not his fault. I know that the change is mine to make. I know that I can not continue to punish for the times that I’ve been hurt.
“Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.”
― Wayne W. Dyer